Humor

Quips, short stories, aphorisms, etc.

(Some of the stories herein are just that--stories.)

  • I hate it when I’m about to go to sleep and find the sheet wrinkled underneath me. But I really hate when it’s me that’s wrinkled. Aging is so interesting.

  • I used to worry other employees were talking about me. That affected my self-esteem, so I sought help from the company psychologist. She said, “Don’t worry. No one’s talking about you.” That really hurt my self-esteem.

  • Want to have a pleasant drive through life? Always have a tankful of thankful.

  • I’d love to be forty or fifty again because some wonderful, generous people from various countries have offered me money. Last week alone, I got eleven e-mails saying I could receive a total of $47,750,000. I thanked them but explained I was too old to enjoy so much money and suggested they find some younger folks who might.

  • Praise is a wonderful hearing aid. Then, when you talk, people will listen.

  • Teacher: David. Can you name three animals that mate for life?  David: Bald eagles, Canadian geese, and black widow spiders.

  • Find a good habit . . . and grab it.

  • Hypocrisy is not doing something you'd rather not do. That could be greatness.

  • Many households need to have a grudge sale.

  • LESSONS MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME--persistence

        Mother told me to go out and sit on the front steps (made of cement), on December 24th. She probably wanted me temporarily gone with the excitement at 7:00PM and about time for Santa's  arrival. Dad told me if I saw Santa and his sleigh flying, I’d get double gifts.

 

        Those words produced understandable giddiness and, being just short of four years old, I trusted him.

 

        My bottom’s temperature soon dropped as the steps dragged heat out of me. After 15 minutes patiently watching for Santa, I forgot the double gifts and desired to avoid hypothermia. I didn’t know the definition of hypothermia, but I realized something was wrong with my body’s heat department.

        My dad appeared wide-eyed as I opened the door, and his mouth dropped open. “Get back out there and keep looking. If you don’t spot Santa, you won’t get any gifts because that’s how it works.”

        No longer fearing a frozen fanny, I trekked outside. Alas, after ten more minutes, I admitted defeat and returned to a heated house.

 

        What to my wondering eyes should appear? My brother opening all the packages which I would find dear. None for me that Christmas.

 

        My mother hugged me and said, “Don’t be discouraged, David. You’ve learned an important lesson. Do you know what it is?”

        “I can’t trust dad?”

 

        “No, you learned persistence is important. Perhaps from now on, you’ll be persistent in all you do.”

 

       That which I considered a horrible situation taught me a great life lesson.

 

        What caring parents I had.

  • Haughty is naughty; humbleful is wonderful.

  • Smiles and “thank-you’s” are inexpensive, so spend them freely.

  • A sign at my hearing and balance appointment said something like, “A senior falls once every second.” I thought two things which is unlike me: (1) he is not a quitter, and (2) he is quick to get up.

  • Habits, though, due to nurture become as though due to nature.  So, choose your habits wisely!

  • Had he courted her as deftly after marriage as he did before, she would have remained as happy.

  • I took the road less travelled. Boy, did I get lost.

  • A great diet: continually swallow your pride to avoid getting puffed up.